Disclaimer: Paramount owns them. Playing, playing, that's all I do...
Rating: NC-17 Contains graphic scenes of consensual adult M/M sex.
Summary: C/P, J/C, P/T Chapter Five: Chakotay practices his negotiation skills. Tom is confronted again (poor Tommy) but at least this time it's by a friend.
Copyright July 2001 Cassatt
The Fantasy of Tom
Chakotay was beginning to wonder if perhaps the Gods really didn't want him to proceed. And whereas he knew his first priority was to the crew and the ship, his second priority was to Kathryn and their relationship, he honestly felt as though he deserved to have time for his third priority as well. He wasn't asking for much, he thought. Just a few hours every couple of days to himself. Not a big thing. Just time for him to relieve the tension he felt. Was that so hard? He chuckled to himself, sitting in his command chair. Poor choice, really poor choice of words, there. He sighed and looked at the helm. Tom was busy taking them through the most boring of space, driving Chakotay absolutely mad.
It was turning out that finding time in the evenings, discreet time, was proving the most difficult. And that's when they, meaning the two of them, were the most free. First, there was the crisis of five days ago. That lasted for two days, double shifts, split shifts, Tom off in the Flyer, Tom working to repair the Flyer, etcetera. Then he had to give time to B'Elanna, who hadn't seen him for a while.
Then that was over, night before last, and Kathryn was making plans for the two of them to spend time together, since they hadn't seen each other in awhile either. And certainly by no means did he begrudge time with Kathryn, he craved that, too. He was merely discovering that his need for sexual release with Tom wasn't the same as his need for release with Kathryn. Quenching one, as marvelous, exciting and soul stirring as it was, didn't quench the other. At all. It was as though he now had two different sex drives. It astounded him. It really made no sense to him. He was dying to talk to someone about it, and if they were home on Earth, he would. Here, he only had the Doctor to consult. He didn't even consider it. He'd tried to do some research on his own, in Voyager's cultural database, about homoerotic drives versus hetero drives, thinking that must be the key, but he didn't learn much. Everybody had both, some people followed both, some didn't, etcetera... etcetera.
Last night it was the same thing. Kathryn wanted to be with him, had reserved holodeck time for the two of them to take a walk, something they hadn't done in too long. It was wonderful. He'd missed it. Missed the sense of freedom, the fantasy that they were not on the ship but could spend time doing whatever they wished. Missed the solitude of just the two of them. He wouldn't have traded it for anything. They came back to her quarters and took a bath together by candlelight, blissfully alone. No one paged them. They made love for hours. It was extraordinary.
And yet, today, sitting on the bridge, with Kathryn in the ready room, the view of Tom's back in front of him, his mind replaying their sexual encounter of now six days ago, he thought he was going to crawl right out of his skin. There was tonight. Kathryn hadn't made plans, but did he have the nerve to actually tell her he wanted time to himself. She'd know what he meant, of course. Well, he couldn't take this any longer. Opening up the console on his right, he sent a confidential message to the helm.
"Tom -- I need to see you. Tonight? C."
He heard the faint beep at the helm and watched Tom read it. Chakotay's heart was thudding in his chest. Please... Tom tapped his console. Now Chakotay's beeped. He opened the message.
"Want to. Need to talk first. T." Damn. He stood up quickly, thinking they could talk there without too much suspicion. He was at the helm in a flash, clapping Tom on the shoulder, causing the pilot to nearly jump out of his chair. He pulled his hand back as if burned.
"Sorry Tom, didn't mean to scare you," he said in a sotto voice.
Tom gave him his cocky grin that faded as their eyes locked together.
Chakotay broke the spell. "What do we need to talk about?"
Tom glanced behind them, to the other people on the bridge. "Um, not here," he whispered.
"Okay. How 'bout my office - I'll get Kathryn to relieve me and ask Sarah to let you go."
"Yeah, your office. Like that idea." The grin returned, but the eyes burned.
Chakotay smiled, his heart pounding in response. "Tom..."
"Sorry," Tom said quietly, but not sincerely. "You know, I think we'll need at least an hour, maybe two to talk..."
He looked down his nose, but couldn't keep the smile supressed. "Would twenty minutes do?"
"I'll talk fast," Tom whispered.
The doors to the ready room opened. Chakotay looked up to see Kathryn hesitate at the sight of them, then smile slightly and continue to her chair. He leaned in closer. "Let me see what I can do," he said as quietly as he could. Tom nodded and turned back to the helm.
He approached the command chairs, his heart fluttering. This was the first real test. He would need to act as normally as possible. Sitting, he leaned over the console, beckoning Kathryn to him.
"Tom needs to talk to me, Kathryn, and I'd like it to happen this afternoon, if that's acceptable to you," he said as calmly as he could.
"And is this talk of a personal nature?" Her voice was emotionless.
He stared at her. "Does that make a difference?" He willed himself to not sound angry, but his frustration over this situation was reaching new heights with each passing minute.
"Well, do you think it's acceptable to leave a duty station just to talk?"
"We've done it many times," he retorted.
She sighed and stared at him. "You're right. I apologize. Would you like to use the ready room?"
He could see that she was trying to appease him. The ready room would be less tempting... "That would be fine, if we can be guaranteed privacy. To talk. I just don't want to be barged in on. I think this is a little serious."
She took a deep breath. "Okay. That's fair. Go ahead. Take care of it."
He touched her hand. "Thank you, Kathryn." She nodded.
"It's about B'Elanna," Tom said hesitantly.
Next to him, trying to remain calm and grounded, Chakotay silently encouraged him to continue. He felt so close to being out of control with this man that even invoking 'Lanna's name didn't stop the intense need he felt to pounce on Tom. He breathed deeply and waited.
"She's suddenly decided that I'm not invested enough in our relationship, that I spend too much time with Harry, or on the holodeck, or working on my car... so she wants me to commit to a certain number of days per week, or a certain amount of hours, I'm not sure which since it changes. And man, I'm feeling like I barely have any time to myself, not to mention that I'm about to go nuts from watching you walk around the bridge each day...." He petered out.
"I understand, believe me," Chakotay said, his voice dropping unconsciously, "at least you don't have to sit and stare at your back all day, right in front of you..." He was drifting closer to Tom but caught himself just in time, shaking his head. Talk, we're supposed to be talking. "So tell me, what do you want to have happen?"
"You're kidding, right?" He said softly, "I want a night to myself so I can come to your quarters and you can fuck me until I pass out."
Chakotay quietly moaned. "Tom ... my self-control is pretty dangerously low at the moment..."
"I can help you relieve some tension before we leave."
"Yes, I'm sure you can, but not here. Not in the ready room." Not in Kathryn's space. Sometimes unspoken words were the loudest.
"No, I guess not." Tom stared at him for a moment, then looked away. He began to laugh quietly. "Okay. So where were we? Oh yeah, you asked me what I want to have happen... well, I'd like B'Elanna to have some faith that I'm not running away, but that's another matter entirely. I'd like to be able to have a few evenings to do what I want. And I don't want to have to explain what I'm going to do with those evenings."
Chakotay was studying his hands, moving gently together in his lap. "I don't think I can give you any relationship advice, because I'm not a disinterested party. I want you to have free evenings as well. I don't want a quick screw in a turbolift, well, I do, but that's beside the point. I don't want to squeeze you into the middle of our shifts, so that leaves the evenings. So. What would happen if you just said to B'Elanna what you said to me? You want an evening, and you don't want to feel as though you're having to justify it by giving a good reason?"
"She'd be upset, but she'd probably stay mostly quiet about it."
"And could you live with that?'"
At that Tom paused. "Yes, I think so. I could help her deal with it. I'd want to help her deal with it."
"So, would that take care of tonight?" Chakotay's heart started pounding again.
"Yes." There was no hesitation. Their eyes locked again.
"Okay," Chakotay heard the word, surprised it came from his own mouth. His brain finally kicked in. "Twenty hundred hours? My quarters."
"I'll be there," Tom replied in a husky voice.
Chakotay had to get them out of there and back to the bridge, to safe ground, quickly. He stood and Tom did the same. Without a word they returned to their duty stations, intent on studying the consoles in front of each of them.
After a few minutes of silence, Kathryn leaned over to him. "Well, did you get things straightened out?"
He had been thinking about how to tell her, and hadn't come up with an answer yet. "Yes." He contemplated the slightly relevant data in front of him.
"Is there anything you want to tell me?"
He had no idea what she was thinking but the tone of her voice was making him angry all over again. He very definitely did not want to discuss it there. He jabbed his finger sharply, pointing to the ready room doors. She nodded.
"Why did you think I would have something to tell you? That was a personal and private conversation," he said the moment they sat on the couches. He was trying, mostly unsuccessfully, to stay calm.
"Wait a minute. I wasn't asking you to betray any confidences, Chakotay. I just thought it might affect us in some way. Remember? Open and honest," she said, again an edge of something undefinable apparent in her voice.
He looked intently at her. "What is it you think you know?"
She hesitated, crossing her arms. "You left the messages between you and Tom on the console. You really should be more careful," she said sarcastically.
"I see," he responded, more sharply than he intended. His anger was threatening to overtake his reason, he realized, so he took some slow breaths. "Look. I was waiting until we had some privacy to talk to you. And, frankly, I wasn't sure how to approach it. How open and honest are we going to be as a matter of practicality? Am I going to tell you everything? If I say, 'Kathryn, I'd like some time to myself tonight' you're going to know that I want to spend it with Tom. Should I just come out and tell you that? Which way is fairer, to everyone? I have no damned idea..." He dropped his head to his hands, rubbing his face harshly, feeling as though he was going to scream.
She didn't move for a long moment. Finally scooting closer to him, she put her arm around his shoulders. "Chakotay... I'm sorry. I don't know how to handle it either. Can we do this again?" She waited until he made eye contact. "Is Tom going to be able to see you tonight?"
"He says yes."
"Do you want to have dinner with me?"
He breathed. He hadn't thought that far, but at the moment, he just wanted an hour or so to be by himself and relax. "I think I really do need some time for me, before he comes over."
"Do you know that I love you?" she asked softly.
Turning quickly, he took her into his arms and held her tightly. He felt her take a very deep breath as she buried her face in his neck. "I'm sorry, Kathryn..."
"Sh-h-h, it'll be okay...."
Dinner had been replicated and he had eaten as much as he could get down. The rest of the afternoon had been fairly uneventful, which on the one hand served to give him a sense of peace, on the other had given him no distraction whatsoever. His eyes kept straying to Tom, furtively. The hours had dragged.
He'd taken a shower and relaxed on the couch, reading his book. At one point, he'd just closed his eyes and consciously put his relationship with Kathryn, his feelings for her, inside a mental box, a beautifully carved box with a gold interior. Closed the lid with love and set the box aside. Tonight was for him and him alone.
As the time approached, his butterflies returned. His skin felt like it was on fire. His heartbeat was anything but normal. The effort to relax was suddenly impossible.
The door chimed. Twenty hundred hours on the dot. He took a breath and went to open it personally, hitting the interior pad with force. The door swooshed open and Tom came in, throwing a 'see ya' over his shoulder to someone in the corridor. As the door closed, Chakotay barely had time to contemplate who that was. Barely had time to take a breath. Tom was on him, pushing him to the wall this time, taking his mouth and pressing into him. Yes... These were the feelings he had been craving, this was the taste he had been wanting. He succumbed, exhaling forcefully, pulling Tom more closely to him, relishing the strength and power he felt between them. Tom moaned into his mouth and rotated his hips, feeling for the bottom edge of Chakotay's shirt, pulling it up gradually.... Yes, Tom.....
........With Tom on his back underneath him, Chakotay could watch every expression on his face as he entered him, steadily, smoothly, overwhelmed with sensation compounded by Tom's eyes locked onto his. Tom reached up and pulled his head down, thrusting his tongue into Chakotay's mouth, letting out a long grunt as Chakotay made the final move into him. He pressed down, squeezing Tom's erection between them, seeing his eyes close, hearing his moan, feeling the tight grip of him as he slowly began the motion that brought pleasure to them both. He dropped his head again and plundered Tom's mouth, his thrusting increasing in speed, using his body to stroke Tom each time. He could taste Tom's excitement, which fed his own as they moved together, all skin, and muscle, and sweat, tongues, hard hard thrusts, spiraling further and further upwards.... the moans and groans at first sent down each other's throats now voiced aloud. Their climaxes approached and everything slowed so they could savor the sensations, but they were too far past the point of control. Chakotay came first, thrusting hard into Tom and plunging his tongue into his mouth, sending him over the edge, his semen spurting between them, his hands pulling Chakotay even further into him with a loud groan. Collapsing, Chakotay tried to get his breath back. The room faded....
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Tom woke up to the sensation of a large, warm, muscular body curled up behind him, breathing against his neck. He smiled. Shit, he thought, he was in trouble. His life was becoming increasingly complicated each time he had sex with this man. Each time he wanted to give Chakotay more, and more. He could feel it creeping into his daily existence, this need, like a drug. A desire that was so different from any of Tom's previous encounters with men. He had only known Chakotay as a superior officer in one capacity or another, had really only ever felt awe and admiration for him, for his courage, his convictions, his beliefs. They had built that into somewhat of a friendship. He had saved Chakotay's life and would do it again in a heartbeat. Moreso at that moment...
And here he was, giving and taking the ultimate pleasure with him. One comment, made half-jokingly but half very seriously at a moment when he thought he was going to die. When they were going to die. He'd thought, at the time, that God had been pulling the strings in the most bizarre way. He and Chakotay. Trapped. Alone together. About to die. And all Tom could think was that he wanted to have sex with him. That somehow it would be a perfect end to their relationship. The sparks between them, usually expressed in anger or frustration would be channeled into something amazing for them both. They could die happy. He'd seen the change in Chakotay's countenance when he offered it, knew he would have said 'yes', and thought about that, fantasized about it, for years.
And here he was. In deep, deep trouble. He didn't want this to end, however he defined it. It didn't feel to him that it took anything away from his love for B'Elanna. He would do whatever he could not to hurt her...
Chakotay stirred behind him, but only moved a little closer, his arm falling on Tom's waist. Oh, God, if I only had the heart to wake you up so we could do it again. He was surprised at himself. Twice in one night would normally be more than enough. He slowly raised up enough to look at the chronometer. 0134. Shit. He'd have to get out of there and return to his quarters. Rolling away as silently and gently as he could, he got up and went to the bathroom then gathered up his clothes. He dressed just as quietly, went into the living area, found a stray PADD and put a message on it. After leaving the PADD on the second pillow, he pulled the covers up around the sleeping form and squatted next to the bed. He studied the man for one very long minute. Then he leaned in, kissed his head and left.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
He didn't see Harry, who had been playing poker on another part of the deck and was heading for the lift. Harry saw him, however, leaving Commander Chakotay's quarters at nearly 0200 hours in wrinkled clothes. He slowed down, for some reason not wanting to run into Tom, remembering the strange scenario he watched on the bridge that afternoon. First between his best friend and the commander at the helm, immediately followed by the captain and the commander unsuccessfully controlling their voices (though he still hadn't been able to distinguish words), then Tom being taken into the ready room, then what appeared to be the commander getting angry at the captain, whereby the two of them went into the ready room. Over dinner, Tom had been evasive about the whole thing. And now this. He had an uncomfortable feeling. He headed for Tom's quarters.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Tom had just replicated himself a syntheholic beer, having stripped off his clothes and tossed them in the refresher. He downed half the beer at once and headed for a shower. A long, hot shower, hopefully calming his senses enough to sleep for a few hours before alpha duty shift. His door chimed, halting him in his tracks. Who the hell... He asked the computer. Harry? Calling for the door to open, he went looking for a robe.
"Harry, what the hell are you doing, coming here at this hour?" Tom asked, tying the belt.
Harry, who had been standing just inside the doorway, walked in and sat. "I could ask you the same thing, coming out of Commander Chakotay's quarters at 0200. What the hell is going on? And don't give me bullshit either, Tom..."
Tom could see that Harry was just ever so slightly drunk. Poker night. Shit and damn. Fuck. "Nothing's going on.... why don't you just get yourself home and sleep, you could use it. I was about to do the same..."
Harry continued to sit on the couch and stare at his best friend. "Why didn't you come play cards with us tonight? I went looking for you at 'Lanna's, and she said you wanted some time to yourself, so I came here but there wasn't any answer. The computer said this was where you were, though. Odd, don't you think?"
"What - that I didn't answer my door? I was trying to get some peace and quiet."
"No, odd that I then see you leaving the commander's quarters in the middle of the night."
Tom sighed deeply. Shit shit shit. Rock or hard place? Which should he pick? "Harry, you're my best friend right?" Harry nodded. "So as my best friend, I'm asking you, forget what you saw tonight, okay? For me? Please?"
Harry closed his eyes briefly. "Jesus, Tom, you and the commander? What are you thinking? What about B'Elanna? And what about the captain?! Are you trying to get yourself demoted again for Christ's sake? Jesus...."
"Don't worry about that, it's not gonna happen. My only worry is 'Lanna. She is not going to find out, do you understand me?"
"How can you not worry about the captain?! She can leave you on the next M-class planet we find and not look back!"
"Harry! Forget the captain! She won't do anything to me. B'Elanna. That's who I'm worried about. She mustn't know, mustn't suspect. Will you help me with that?"
"Of course I will, Tom." There was no question in Harry's mind he would support his friend, but still he felt a nagging doubt. B'Elanna was also his friend. He sighed to himself and looked hard at Tom. "How long has this been going on?" he asked softly.
"Just a little while. Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It's very complicated." Tom reached over and took Harry's hand. "I'm sorry."
"Hey, I'm okay with that part of it. It's not like I'm jealous or anything. It's been too long for that..."
"Yeah, but, Chakotay's the first man I've been with since..."
Harry interrupted him. "Let's not go there, okay, Tom? Unless you want to tell me the juicy details or something," he said, grinning, "like how good he is..."
"I'm certainly not going to tell tales of your commanding officer in bed, Harry."
Tom shook his head. "And right now, I really just want to take a long hot shower and try and get some sleep. So I can count on you to keep your mouth shut, can't I? To everyone?" He stood up and walked toward the door.
Harry followed. "Yup. And maybe I'll take you out and ply you with alcohol - then you'll spill."
The door swooshed open. Tom shrugged noncommittally. After saying good night, the two friends parted, the door closed, and Harry walked to his quarters, letting it all sink in. The one thing he was coming to see was that Tom was extraordinarily serious about the situation. His usual demeanor when discussing his sexual escapades was nowhere to be seen. Harry sincerely hoped his analysis of that fact was incorrect.
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