Real People by Helmboy
Summary: Someone's been writing...real people slash.
Categories: Chakotay/Paris Fanfiction Characters: None
Genres: Humor
Warnings: None
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes Word count: 948 Read: 1636 Published: 02/09/03 Updated: 02/09/03

1. Real People by Helmboy

Real People by Helmboy
Real People (1/1)
Codes: VOY, Many, R, Humor
Disclaimer: Paramount owns them and I use them for
entertainment only.


One fine evening in the First Officer's cabin...

"What are you reading?"

"Real people slash."

"I'm aware of what slash is. 'Real people'?"

"Sure. Look at this."

"Tom. This is you having sex with Tuvok."

"Yeah. It's called T/P."

"Toilet paper?"

"No, Chakotay. Tuvok/Paris."

"Who wrote this?"

"Post Hole Man."


"No one knows. It's a pseudonym."

"I'll find out."

"Everyone has tried. No one knows and frankly, no
one cares. 'Cept you."

"Tom, you and I are together. I don't even like to
*think* about anyone else having sex with you."

"Not to worry. Did you know that there are
stories about you and Harry? C/K."

"*Who wrote them*?"


"You have to be kidding."

"Nope. Let me read this to you." "It
was as if two worlds collided, the men closing the
distance between them in seconds. Clothes fell to
the floor as hungery hands--"

"Hungry *hands*?"

"As hungry hands devoured each other. Kim fell
to his knees, gripping his superior officer's superior
member, taking it in full length."

"Well, they got *that* part right."

"Let me tell you the best part."
"He rested on his knees, his perfect ass raised in
supplication. It called to him and as he greased his
throbbing cock--"

"This is good. Keep going."

"Oh, count on it, baby."
"Greased his throbbing cock, he considered the ride he
would give his commander, the secret submissive having
wheedled all week for a good, hard fuc--"

"What?! *Give* me that."

"I am *not* a sub and
I certainly would *never* beg for it, certainly *not*
from Harry Kim!"

"Someone thinks you would. Dickmeister does."

"Dickmeister, huh? Well ... we'll see about


"Heh-heh-heh... that should about do it."

*****Even later...

"What are you doing, Tom? I thought we were going
to the Mess Hall for pie?"

"I wanted to download the new erotica."

"I didn't know you were such a pervert."

"How do you think I know as many positions and where
all your funny bones are without this stuff?"

"Someone knows my funny bones?"

"C/K, baby. Did you know that someone is writing you
with Kathryn, in dream sequences with B'Elanna, with

"He's underaged!"

"You don't like young things?"


"Chakotay, I would be more upset about the
women than about Geron. You're gay. Someone's
writing you as bisexual."

"I don't get it."

"Actually, you're getting it good in the stories.
Janeway is a Mistress and you're her toe fetish slave
and B'Elanna uses you for target practice before
'satisfying her inner fires on the jutting pole of
your raging manhood'."

"That's weirdly erotic and totally out of
the realm of possibility. That would be ... *incest*."

"You are a piece of work, Chakotay."
"Let's go."

*****Later that evening...

"He was prone, his manhood waving like wheat on some
Kansas field. She gripped it in her petite hand, the
pulsing fire within hot to her touch. She smiled,
noting the fear in his eyes.

"You want me don't you."

He blinked, the ball gag preventing him from answering.
She moved and straddled him, taking him deep within her
fiery loins. He groaned, her patent leather sensuality
overcoming his sexual orientation.

"I will make you straight with the power of my sexuality,
slave. You will be mine."

With that, crop in hand, she rode him to submission.

"Not bad, Katie girl."

"Thank you, Michael. So kind of you to agree."

"I have to tell you, I wasn't sure about this kind of
literature but erotica has its own allure if I say so

"I agree. Why don't I
sign off and do a bit more research, hmmm?"

"I never thought you would ask..."

*****At the same time elsewhere...

"You're evil. You have yourself topping Chakotay
and him begging for it. *Again*."

"I know but he looks so cute on his hands and knees."

"If Chakotay ever knew this was you he would skin your

"Only you know and I know, B'Elanna. Besides, you're
writing Tom as some kind of Klingon sex toy."

"He was. Darned good one too."

"Bisexual men will break your heart won't they?"

"They will, Harry. That would make a good story. How
about Vorik and Tuvok as lovers with poor little Seven
on the side. She has no idea."

"I love the way you think, *Dickmeister*."

"Ditto, *Post Hole Man*."

**********The next day on the Bridge...

/... I wonder who the little fucker is that actually
can *conceive* of *me* being a bottom ... I'll murder
them .../ --Chakotay

/... hmmm, Harry Kim as a damsel in distress, lost
and naked on an ice flow ... Tuvok comes to his rescue
and slips, reaming Harry's little butt ... ah, an epic
in the making .../ --Kathryn Janeway

/... Tom on his knees getting it from Tuvok, Tuvok
getting it from Chakotay and Chakotay getting it from
me ... whoa ... the first foursome in the erotica
library ... the doc can be there taking pictures ...
cool ... tonight, I will begin my magnum opus ...
after Greg Ayala does my butt good .../ --Harry Kim

/... Harry looks like he's composing in his head again
... this means I get to do his little butt good ...
long may his muse reign .../ --Greg Ayala

/... I wonder why everyone looks so preoccupied? ...
humans ... they really *are* scum .../ --Tuvok

/... This place is an asylum.../ --Tom Paris

Just another day on Voyager...

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